Love, Honor and Cherish

In my previous post “A Vow is a Vow is a Vow” I talked about the reason that I believe so many marriages are in trouble and why some have already died! I expected that my rant might elicit some strong responses and it did. Some responses were expressed publicly on Facebook and many more privately via emails and texts. I was accused of “pontificating” and only picking on one side of the relationship equation. While every relationship is dependent on the efforts of two individuals, especially a marriage relationship, I focused my “rant” on the men for two reasons. First, I am speaking from my own experience as a man and a former husband. Second, I have recently witnessed far too many men either intentionally or unintentionally, fail to live up to their end of the marriage covenant and I truly believe that if men committed to love, honor and cherish their wives as they should there would be far fewer divorces in this country.

I know this will sound “old fashioned” and some may even consider it sexist, but I believe that it is the husband’s responsibility to set the tone for a loving, caring marriage. More than one of the females that commented on my post pointed this out. Yes, yes, yes, of course there needs to be a mutuality in the relationship but the man who honors and cherishes his wife, will find that she will gladly love and respect him in return.

The wedding vows focus on our promise to love honor and cherish, but what do those words really mean?

The word “love” has many definitions and meanings. I “love” football (Go Huskies!)…and I “love” to go to the beach. I “love” my children and my very close friends, but not in the same way I am supposed to “love” my wife. The word “love” used in the vows should encompass many concepts like adoration, respect, affection, devotion, care, tenderness and passion, to name a few! The way we love our spouse should be unique to them because our relationship and commitment to them is unique to them (I know that is VERY redundant but I am making a point)! When you just look at her, she should know how much you love her. How many of you guys would do something unique like this for your wife to show your love for her?

We “honor” our wives by respecting them, by treating them as our partners in life, by demonstrating our admiration for them in all that they do, and by giving deference to their opinions and concerns.

The Bible gives is insight into how to honor our wives in 1 Peter 3:7.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. NIV

To “be considerate as you live with your wives” means to live with them in an understanding way. "Considerate" (Gk., gnosis) speaks of being “sensitive to the wife's deepest physical and emotional needs.” "Live" (Gk., sunoikeo) means "to dwell together" and speaks of living with someone in an intimate way. Men, when we are indifferent to our wives and their needs we treat them with disrespect. On the other hand, when we seek to truly know and understand them, we honor them.

The phrase "weaker partner" is simply a reference to the physical distinctions between men and women. It has nothing to do with being inferior in any way, just different. Men and women are different physically. We are also different emotionally and even in the way we think (see here and here). Guys if you don’t make an effort to understand these differences, and respond accordingly, you do so at your own peril and that of your marriage!   

"Gracious gift of life" refers to all of the wonderful aspects of this life, not the one to come. One of the best gifts that life has to offer here and now is marriage. That's especially true when the husband cultivates companionship and intimacy, protection and security with his wife.

The third word in our triad is “cherish.” We cherish our wives when value them deeply, hold them dear, treasure them, appreciate them, and prize them above all else. They want to know that they are the most important person in your life.  How do they know that? When you give them you!. Flowers and chocolates and jewelry are nice, but they would rather have you...your time and attention and focus. Someone put it this way.

“It is not what we give but what we share,

For the gift without the giver is bare.”

Guys, your wives will know if you cherish them, when you give them you, when you share your hearts and souls with them.

They will know you cherish them when you really see them.

Watch this clip from the Family Man all the way through and you will see what I am talking about.

 

Not too long ago I performed a wedding and after the ceremony I was talking to an acquaintance and his wife about their life. They have been married for quite some time and are both about my age. He was talking about everything he was doing and his plans and not once did he mention her or acknowledge her and I could see the hurt in her face. His bride, the woman he promised to love, honor and cherish was standing next to him and he did not see her! Honestly, I wanted to smack him upside the head and tell him he’s blowing it! More than once since the breakup of my own marriage, I have lovingly admonished a male friend about how he was disrespecting or neglecting his wife. I do not do so arrogantly, but with a broken heart, acknowledging my own failures in this area.

So, please take this post in the spirit that it is meant. May God help us all to be better men and husbands, for the sake of our marriages and families and communities and culture.

Thanks for reading,

Talk to you soon,

Jim