D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I grew up listening to Country music (or Country & Western as it used to be called). I did so not by choice mind you, but it was the music my parents and grandparents listened to, whether at home or in the car, it was always on. Any time I hear a Conway Twitty or Dolly Parton song today it reminds me of the two week vacation we took my freshman year in High School. On the trip we listened to a couple of Conway and Dolly 8-tracks over and over and over and over again! Growing up I remember listening to other Country greats as well, like Merle Haggard, Buck Owens, Loretta Lynn, George Jones and Tammy Wynette.


One of the songs that I remember vividly is a Tammy Wynette tune entitled D-I-V-O-R-C-E. In it, the song writer describes how the parents have to spell out words around their little boy so that he won't know that they are going to divorce.

Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man
So we spell out the words we don't want him to understand
Like T.O.Y or maybe S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E
But the words we're hiding from him now
Tear the heart right out of me.

Our D.I.V.O.R.C.E becomes final today
Me and little J.O.E will be goin' away
I love you both and it will be pure H.E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A little hokey maybe, but a powerful reminder nonetheless of the pain and trauma that comes from divorce. It has been my observation from my 17 plus years in the ministry and from my own experience, both as a child of divorce and a party to a divorce, that no one is spared from a consequences and effects of a D-I-V-O-R-C-E, no matter how much we try to prevent it.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that divorce isn't some times necessary, I am only saying that it is always to one degree or another a painful experience. This is especially true for the children, but even then, when there are no children involved all the parties in a divorce are being negatively impacted whether they realize it at the time or not.

When we talk about the break-up of a marriage we often use terms like "splitting up" or "separating" and in fact, the word "divorce" means to turn aside or separate. It speaks of the dissolution of something (in this case, a marriage). In my not so humble opinion, that definition falls far short of reality. The Bible speaks of a marriage as a merging of two beings into one. "The two shall become one flesh." I have officiated my share of weddings while serving as a Pastor and inevitably there comes a time in the ceremony where the couple performs some ritual to demonstrate the symbolic union for which they are about to enter (the lighting of the unity candle and the sand ceremony are two examples).

Consider for a moment the lighting of the unity candle. Two candles are generally lit at the beginning of the service (usually by the mothers or other family members) to represent the individual lives of the bride and groom at that moment in time. There are two distinct lights, each capable of shining on their own. However, in order for them to shine together as one, there must be the merging of these two flames. Therefore, they each take a candle and together light the center one, then they extinguish their own candles. Thus, the center candle represents the union of their two lives into one flesh. As this center light cannot be divided, their lives together should not be divided. It symbolizes the fact that from that time onward their thoughts are to be for each other rather than for their own individual selves so that everything about their lives together will be mutual and shared.

 

The reality of the symbolism is that these two people have committed themselves to be one. The language of Scripture is that of "cleaving" or literally being glued together. That bond that is created by the coming together physically, intimately, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually is a powerful thing that cannot be cleanly pulled apart or separated without causing real damage to both individuals. Even with precision surgery, you cannot easily separate flesh that has been glued together. When divorce occurs, it is not truly a separation, but a ripping or tearing apart of the flesh. Pieces of his flesh are still stuck to her and pieces of her flesh are still stuck to him. In addition, there are now scabs and wounds that are going to have to be treated and given time to heal. Scars will be left as reminders of the experience. Is it any wonder that God says He hates divorce?

There is however good news. In time, the "flesh" can recover, the wounds can be healed and the pain will subside! The scars do remain, but they too become hard to see with the passing of time. If you have recently experienced a divorce or are currently going through one, I would highly recommend you find a good divorce recovery group and begin the process of healing as soon as possible. Give yourself the opportunity to grieve the the death of your marriage, work on becoming you again, find a few good books to read, develop new friendships, grow your current relationships and be open to forgiveness.  Most of all, let your heart be softened so that you can once again share it with someone "special." I am not going to lie, it won't be easy, but I can testify to the fact that there is life after D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

I am so thankful for God's grace, for my friends and family and my church. I can't imagine surviving such a painful experience without them. I look forward to sharing with you more about my experiences in the future. Thanks for listening.

Talk to you Soon,

Jim