Cussin', Smokin', Drinkin' and Dancin'

Any good Baptist (active or recovering) can name the four big vices of cursing, smoking, drinking and dancing. Over my life I have heard numerous sermons on all four (plus a fifth vice...gambling). I may have even mentioned a few of them over the years in my own sermons (although I really did try to stay away from being too legalistic about those issues).

I don't drink alcohol, not because I have anything against it per se and I don't judge others for imbibing. In fact, if you drink you should love me since I am the perfect friend to have...I am the ideal designated driver (when we go out you'll never have to feel bad that you're drinking and I'm not!). I don't drink for several reasons. First, I genuinely don't like the taste of alcohol. A few of my friends and even my sons have tried to get me to have a beer with them and every time I taste one my response is the same...I just don't get it. Second, since I have an ongoing struggle with my weight, I would rather get my calories from what I eat rather than what I drink. Most alcoholic beverages are are heavy in carbohydrates and sugars, and I religiously watch my carb intake...so I avoid alcoholic beverages. Third, I am too cheap to drink! I have been out a few times with friends at bars (usually to listen to live music) and at the end of the night when the tab is due, I am always thankful that I didn't spend the night ordering the $5 beers, the $7 vodka and cranberries and the $9 margaritas! Finally, I have seen the effects that alcohol can have on some people and I would rather not take a chance at possibly drinking too much and losing control. I don't know anyone that drinks that hasn't been drunk at least once...I am afraid I might turn out to be a mean drunk! Or, maybe it's the poem I memorized when I was younger:

Late one night in October,

when I was far from being sober,

I was walking down the road full of manly pride,

when my feet began to stutter,

and I fell down in the gutter,

and a pig came near and lay down by my side.

Well a lady passing by was heard to say,

"you can tell a man who boozes,

by the company he chooses,"

and the pig got up and quickly ran away!

So, drinkin' and smokin' and even cussin' aren't vices that would generally get me into trouble with my Baptist brethren. Dancin' however, well that's another story.

I have always wanted to learn how to dance. I am not talking about the way we all learned to move to classic rock when we were growing up in the 70s. As an aside: even though I don't consider myself a "good" dancer, I can at least stay in rhythm to the music. I keep it simple since I don't have too many "moves" (think Will Smith teaching Kevin James to dance in Hitch). Of course I can also slow dance "swaying to the music" but that kind of dancing doesn't take much talent and most bands don't play very many "slow" songs. No, I am talking about dancing where you have a partner and you actually have to learn steps and when to lead and how to turn and all of that.

Last year, after going to the Chrystal Palace and watching some of the couples work the dance floor, I decided that I wanted to start by learning country two-step. My friend Deanna graciously agreed to go to the lessons with me, even though she was already a more experienced dancer. Unfortunately, it was harder than I thought. You would think it would be easy, I mean it's SEEMS pretty simple...quick, quick, slow, slow...quick, quick, slow, slow...except that there are a million things you have to remember to do all at once. I am sure our instructor got tired of telling me "arm up," "slow down," "back straight," keep your frame," shorter steps" and so on. Anyway, I had four lessons and afterwards I was even more afraid to go out on the dance floor than I was before!

Recently, I signed up for a beginning ballroom dance class (we are learning Waltz and Foxtrot) and all the old struggles I had in the first class are still there. I saw the look of terror on the Instructors face when I showed up for the first night! And of course, she still has her wonderful words for me..."Jim, slow down." "Jim, keep your frame." "Jim, take shorter steps." Nevertheless, I am bound and determined to get it right. It's actually fun. Maybe after lesson 65 I will be brave enough to get out on a real dance floor and take some nice lady for a spin!

So there you have it. Consider this a confession of sorts. My name is Jim and my vice is...dancin'!