On Blended Families

I don't know how it works for every blended family, but for mine, the whole "blended" thing has been both a blessing and a struggle. Most of you know that I have always endeavored to be open and transparent in my life. I do realize however, that my transparency has sometimes been cathartic for me but painful for others. I also realize that by sharing my thoughts and heart about this subject in this post, I run the risk of offending one or more of my own family members. Be assured though, that is not my intention. So out of respect for my family, "the names have been changed to protect the innocent!"

Whenever I try to explain the make-up of my family, I always preface it by telling them that I have the quintessential American family. I have two biological sisters, two step-sisters and two half-brothers...no...really I do! Throw in two moms and two dads and I am a sociologists dream come true!

Just a little background. My biological parents were separated and eventually divorced when I was young (around third grade - about 9 years old). My dad retained custody of me and my two biological sisters (around 7 and 4 years old). I don't remember much about that time but I do remember that during my third grade year I attended three schools and moved twice. We moved from Washington State to Missouri to live with my maternal grandparents and then we moved from Missouri back to Yakima to live with my paternal grandparents. For my fourth grade year we moved to Ellensburg, Washington when my paternal grandparents decided to live there.

During this time my dad met my future step-mother (with her two daughters) and eventually they decided to marry. Once more we moved to Yakima to began the life together as a blended family. I now had two biological sisters and two step-sisters. Later my dad and step-mom would add a half-brother to the fold, and my biological mother and my step-father would add another half-brother to their new family. So there was me, the oldest, a step-sister that was in the same grade as I was but six-months younger. There was my oldest biological sister who was almost exactly one year younger than me, then my youngest biological sister who was three years younger and then my youngest step-sister who was about nine years younger than me...and I am not even going to try to remember how far apart my paternal half-brother is from me.

Whew...I almost want to break out in song..."Here's the story, of a man named Wheeler, who was busy with three kids of his own..."

Unlike the Brady Bunch however, the new blended family brought with it many difficult years of transition, especially for the six children that now made up the "Wheelers." First, there were the issues related to names, since my two step-sisters came from my step-mother's two previous marriages, they both had different last names. I always felt awkward being in the same class as my step-sister and having to try to explain why her last name was different than mine (and I'm sure the same was true for her as well). I'll never forget when my youngest step-sister, still trying to come to terms with the family dynamics, thought she had it all figured out. In her mind it made sense because her biological dad was now married to a woman with the same first name as my biological mom. So to her, it just seemed to make sense that the men just traded wives! (That's the way I remember the story anyway).


Then came the holidays. My youngest step-sister would get to go spend the holidays with her biological father and his family. We on the other hand, got to spend the holidays with my new extended step-family. Yes that's right, I now had a whole new group of aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents! The cultures of the two families were a little bit different and that took some time to get used to, plus the families had to learn to compromise on holiday traditions and so forth. (Of course the upside to having four sets of grandparents was MORE GIFTS!).

The third difficult issue had to do with the inter-relationships between members of my immediate blended family. My oldest step-sister (the one that is six months younger than me) and I had our issues to work out. After all, someone had to be top-dog among the kids and I was bound and determined that it was going to be me! The problem was that at the age in which we were all thrown together the girls were maturing before the boys and she was just physically bigger than me. Our fights for top-dogship often became physical. I remember one fight that started in the house and ended up in the backyard with arms flailing and punches thrown. That Christmas my parents bought us boxing gloves. To this day, I am not sure if it was a gag gift or not! By the way, we both eventually grew out of that phase, especially once I emerged as the king of the sibling hill!  There were other issues between siblings as well, mostly though we all tolerated one another (and grew to love each other). Looking back on the whole process, I am surprised my parents marriage survived it all.

The final issue had to do with my relationship with my biological mother who now lived thousands of miles away with her own new family. The solution for me at least, was to not deal with her at all. I had a new mom whom I would grow to love. So I basically did not have any contact with my biological mom for the next 30 years. My two biological sisters did have contact with her off and on, but not me (and in her defense, she did make efforts to reach out to me, but I usually ignored her efforts). Eventually though, divine providence would bring us back together and I am very happy to say that I have a great relationship with her now!

So what's my point in sharing my family dysfunction?

 We are often told that 50% of marriages end in divorce, although there are several variables that impact the statistic (see here for example), we do know however, that the likelihood of divorce increases with each additional marriage so that over 60% of second marriages and over 70% of third marriages end in divorce. Those statistics should give every single adult pause.

I'll be frank, the thought of finding a mate that I can be excited about spending the rest of my life with and trying to find a way to blend my family with hers...scares the dickens out of me! I realize that my kids are all older now and they have their own lives and most of the women I have dated have adult children of their own, but not all. Can I be gracious enough to love and accept someone's kids as my own? Can I find someone who will love mine as their own? Should that even be a consideration? What about my ex, when she remarries? How will we work around the holidays? It all gets a little...what's the right word..."complicated?"

Now that I have gone through the painful process of divorce it makes me aware of what my parents (all of them) must have gone through.I have a great deal of respect for them in how they all were able to navigate the complexities of divorce and remarriage. I might also add that despite the statistics on second marriages and divorce, both parents remain(ed) married (sadly, my step-father passed away a few years ago).

So what have I learned from my experience in a blended family?

Regardless of the reasons for it, no family is unaffected by the consequences of divorce.

Despite the the problems that come from blending two families into one, it can be done, and it can be a positive experience overall. It was for me.

You can find love a second time and make it work, my parents did.

There are hidden blessings in going through adversity, even a divorce. For me it was a tremendous blessing that I got to spend so much time with my paternal grandparents. I have fond memories of playing card games with my grandpa and eating my grandma's delicious homemade donuts. I admit that those are experiences that I might have had with them anyway, but because of the circumstances, they were much more meaningful to me. My biggest regret is that I missed out on spending time with my maternal grandparents

I also grew to love and appreciate my step-mom's parents...or step-grandparents. In fact, because of my blended family status I have lots and lots of family! As a side note: I used the prefix "step" in my post even though I have never considered any of my blended family anything other than just that...family. To this day I do not refer to or introduce my family as "step" or "half" they are just my brothers and sisters and mom etc. Ironically, one of my biological sisters is estranged from the paternal side of the family, while my children and I are closest with one of my step-sisters and her family.

Another blessing, two moms. My step-mother is mom to me. I love her and appreciate her for who she is, even though I did not always like the way she raised me (and what child does?).

My biological mother is a blessing to me as well. After so many years of estrangement, we now have a very loving relationship. I appreciate her. The irony is not lost on either of us that the one person I relied on more than any other through my divorce was her. She listened to me vent more times than you can imagine, and she was always loving and gracious. She is a "fantastic and amazing" person. I both admire and respect her. The more I get to know her, the more I realize how much like her I really am! I thank God every day that she is in my life. As another aside: although I haven't had the chance yet to meet my maternal half-brother, I am looking forward to that very soon!

And since I am being so sappy...I have to say that the man I respect more than any other is my father. In many ways I can identify with him, in his weaknesses as well as his strengths. But mostly in our common experiences. I love him dearly. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see him. Sometimes when I laugh, I hear him and sometimes when I stop and think, I know why I am doing what I am doing. He is my father and I am his son.