No, this is not a post on the physical science of chemistry. It is however, a post on that magical, mystical, metaphysical, mysterious, hard to define relationship thing called "chemistry."
According to a recent book, men “get the axe” on the first date for any number of 300 reasons, but reason number one is no chemistry.
My first encounter with this concept came when I decided to try online dating. I was fascinated by the fact that so many women talked about how important "chemistry" was on their profiles. I thought I understood what they meant by the term "chemistry" but I also thought it seemed a bit shallow and superficial because it appeared to be physically focused. It also seemed to me to be a rather rash way to decide whether you you might ultimately have a heart to heart connection with someone.
Subsequently, I have found that this "chemistry" thing really is a big deal to women. Women tend to make instant decisions about guys. They have to "feel" it or it's a no go. In fact, most women make up their minds within five minutes whether they will ever be "physical" with a guy.
As you can imagine, this makes it very difficult for a man when he wants to develop a long-term "connection" with a woman. If he's not on his game, he is in trouble. If he can't get her pheromones going and give her butterflies and make her googly eyed, then he may be a one date wonder!
When I was on eHarmony, one of the guided communication questions that I always sent was "How important is chemistry to you?" The possible answers were as follows:
A: I need to feel that instant "click"
B: within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry
C: I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like
D: I don't believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship
The reason I asked this question is because I wanted to know how
What I was really looking for was a C or B answer. Originally, I thought C was the ideal answer. Like Harry and Sally in the above clip I thought that the best approach was a long-term one. You find out you are compatible (that was what I was paying eHarmony for), then you discover that you like each other, then you become friends and then, if there is a real connection, you fall in love. Alas...that hasn't really worked out for me yet (although, I still feel like that is the ideal).
In the last year or so, I have gravitated toward B as the best answer and I am a little less harsh toward those that choose A, but just a little. I mean, think about it, those women that choose A will just drop you like a hot potato if another man get's that instant clicks with her. Am I right?
So here is my issue. To know me is to love me. I say that with all humility...no, really! You probably can't just get Jim Wheeler on one date. I have said on more than one occasion that I don't look like Brad Pitt, I don't have the money of Bill Gates, and I am not even close to being as spiritual as the Apostle Paul. But I am a great guy nonetheless. I can be charming and funny and wise and intellectual and adventurous and romantic with the best of them...but...believe it or not, I may have an off day every now and then. That's why if you don't feel that instant click on the first date with me, you may end up missing out if you quit there.
And just so you know, I try to practice what I preach. I like to have more than one date with a woman that I may be interested in, even if there is no initial "chemistry." On more than one occasion, my attraction to a woman has grown as I have had the opportunity to get to know her better.
Like everyone else, I would love to have a "meet cute" where my future wife and I meet at the grocery store while we both are reaching for the last box of pasta on the shelf. We look at each other and say "go ahead, you take it." We laugh at each other and gaze into each others eyes and voila...it's kismet! Since that is probably not going to happen, I am going to need to go on a few dates, to figure out if there is any there, there. More than likely though, the scenario will be more apt to be me as a Harry falling in love with a Sally, and only after we really get to know each other and develop a heart to heart connection. Obviously...that will take more than one date.
Then again I'm a guy, what do I know?
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