What Makes a Good Dad?

What makes a good dad? It is a question that elicits many different kind of responses. Charles Swindoll writes,

It's tough being a dad. It's almost impossible to live up to our own standards, to say nothing of God's. And the toughest thing of all is that, deep inside, every father knows he is leaving an indelible thumbprint on the life of each of his children. Whether he's nuts-and-bolts practical or scrapes the Milky Way with his visionary ideas; whether he's strong and aggressive or weak and passive; whether he's a workaholic or an alcoholic--there's not a dad that doesn't know his fingerprints are all over his children as he molds and shapes them into the adults they will become.

In his book Promises to Peter, Charles Shedd tells how his messages on parenting changed along with his experience of fatherhood. In his early years on the speaking circuit before he was a father, he called it "How to Raise Your Children." People came in droves to hear it. Then he had a child and it was a awhile before he gave that sermon again. When he did, it had a new title "Some Suggestions to Parents." After a few more years and two more children, he was calling the message "Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers." After several more years and several more children, he seldom gave the talk. But when he did he called it "Anyone Here Got a Few Words of Wisdom?"

That's sort of how I feel after raising four kids. I want to make it clear that I don't know it all about being a father and fatherhood. I am not even close to being a perfect dad, but I do know where to get some good advice.

⁸ Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us.
⁹ For you recall, brethren, our labor and hardship, how working night and day so as not to be a burden to any of you, we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. ¹⁰ You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers; ¹¹ just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children, ¹² so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory. 1 Thessalonians 2:8-12

One of the first churches founded on the European continent by Paul was the church at Thessalonica. Despite their contentious nature, he stayed there several weeks pouring himself into their lives Working night and day Paul and his group of fellow missionaries sought to establish them in the faith. Ultimately, Paul was forced to leave Thessalonica never ever really able to return again for any length of time (Acts 17:1-9). However, they were always in his heart and on his mind. Knowing that these believers were facing severe persecution he did two things:

(1)        He sent Timothy to them to encourage them

(2)        He wrote this letter to express his fatherly love for them

As Paul pours out his heart to them an inspired portrait begins to take shape, that of a dad sharing his love for his children. It is in this portrait that we can begin to see those qualities and characteristics that make a good dad.

A Good Dad is Affectionate - v. 8a

"Having so fond an affection for you"

Out of a half dozen terms that Paul could have used to express his feelings to the Thessalonians he chose a very unique word used only here in the NT. The word is “homeiromai” (hom-ir'-o-mahee) means to long for (someone), to yearn for them. Paul was so “strongly attached” to them that he longed to be with them and he wasn’t afraid to let them know.

Paul was many things but he was NEVER cold and distant toward his spiritual children. It was easy for him to express himself through affectionate words and actions. Sadly, for many fathers today, affection is a foreign concept. Whether through upbringing or through a sense of machismo they have bought into the false idea that it is not manly to be warm and caring.

Gordon MacDonald, in his book The Effective Father, includes a chapter called “Please Show Me That You Care.” In it he writes,

The physical expression of our approval is of great importance. We affirm what a person is, and we appreciate what a person does. But this assurance must be given in more than words. Affection, the nonverbal communication of closeness, touching and stroking is among the most important experiences we share with one another.

Affection is not just an emotional response, but it is mainly a physical response. I must admit that I have some big concerns about the “feminization of America” where men are discouraged from being men. But there is nothing unmanly about showing affection toward your wife and children. In fact, research has shown that sexual promiscuity in young women can often be traced back to a lack of fatherly affection in childhood and adolescence.

It seems cliche to say but I think there is some truth to the idea that if our daughters don't get physical affection from their dads, then they will get it from someone else.

Men, we must learn to bend a little – NO matter how much it pains us – NO matter how much it goes against our nature – NO matter how much it makes us uncomfortable……..

Our children need to experience our affection for them – You must be willing to demonstrate your love through a physical warmth and closeness!

It is a shame that a perverted few have made us all uncomfortable in this area!

A few years ago I came across this article in Readers Digest and I thought it was excellent. The Article was titled, TRUST IN GOD, BUT LOCK YOUR CAR and was subtitled, “Timeless insights from a Father.” In it H. Jackson Brown, Jr. shared with the readers advice that he had given his son Adam, when he went away for college. I want to share some of his advice with you.

•           Rehearse a joke before telling it.

•           Once in a while invite the person in line behind you to go ahead of you.

•           Someone will always be looking at you as an example of how to behave. Don’t let him down.

•           Buy ladders, extension cords and garden hoses longer than you think you’ll need.

•           Be as friendly to the janitor as you are to the chairman of the board.

•           Steer clear of any place with a “Ladies Welcome” sign in the window.

•           Don’t be so concerned with your rights that you forget your manners.

•           When you say, “I’m sorry,” look people in the eye.

•           Put the strap around your neck before looking through binoculars.

•           Brush your teeth before putting on your tie.

•           Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

•           Never say anything uncomplimentary about your wife or children in the presence of others.

•           Go on blind dates. That is how I met your mother.

•           No matter how old you get, hug and kiss your mother whenever you greet her.

•           Call your dad.

The piece of advice that stood out to me and the one that applies to what we are talking about is..."Hold your child’s hand every chance you get." The time will come when he or she won’t let you. Any parent that has teenagers know this to be true.

My children attended a small Christian school from Kindergarten through 8th grade. It was a very good situation for us and overall a great experience for both parents and kids. Since the school was down the street from where we lived, I would often come on campus at lunch-time to bring the kids lunch or something they left at home (most often their P.E. uniform). I always enjoyed this little chore because when they were younger, Alysse and Abigail would greet me with a hug as I came on campus. However, for both of my girls there came a point in time (right about the 6-7th grade), when the hugs suddenly stopped. In fact, there came a time when they actually asked me not to hug them on campus "in front of their friends!" Even though I understood, it still hurt.   

Men be warm and affectionate, your families will love you for it!

A Good Dad is Accessible - v.8b 

"we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us."

The word “impart” means to contribute, to convey, to share fully. The idea is that of an open and available life – allowing your children to be with you and to really get to know you.

There is always the danger for fathers of becoming emotionally detached from your families. Never letting them see you as you really are and how you related in the real world.

Our children need instruction about how to live – they need a father who will let them watch him live – Good & Bad – mistakes and all.

There were two times (and more) in my life when my actions in the real world were less than they should have been. Once when the family was going to have lunch at Chilis and somehow the restaurant botched our no wait call-in. Upon arriving and learning they had screwed up, I chewed out the staff for their shoddy treatment and poor service. Sadly, I embarrassed my family greatly. Another time, I was with my son Andrew at the DMV trying to help him get his drivers permit. This was the third trip and each time we were missing some paperwork/documentation and were told to come back. On this third trip they would not accept what I thought was a legal birth certificate. As an aside, just so you know, the certificate they give at the hospital in honor of your child's birth is NOT a legal document! So when told that I had to contact the County in which he was born, and order an official birth certificate, I was none too happy. I stomped out of the door while yelling "Stupid California" for all to hear. Poor Andrew was walking behind me wishing he was somewhere else. This is one of many reasons why I hate bureaucratic rules, but I digress. In both cases, I would apologize to the recipients of my wrath while my children were present so that they would see that while fallible, I needed to make things right. 

What about you dad?

•           How do you make decisions?

•           What are your goals in life?

•           What are your values?

•           What makes you laugh?

•           How do you respond to criticism?

•           How do you share your faith?

Those things make up life in general and they must be IMPARTED to our children.

This brings to mind two issues regarding accessibility. The first is that of quality time and the second is of quantity time.

Quality time is an issue of transparency. It is about being real when you are around your children. Letting them see you in a number of environments and situations. I love the old saying:

You teach some by what you say

You teach more by what you do

You teach most by what you are

Quantity time is an issue of priorities. You cannot impart your life to your children without spending time with them. Our children don’t learn from us by only seeing glimpses of our lives!

Songwriter Harry Chapin understood this principle which he beautifully illustrated in his song, “Cats in the Cradle.”

Many of you know this already, but time flies when you are raising your children. They come into the world and you think that you have all the time in the world with them. Then before you know it you are taking them to their first day of kindergarten. Then the next thing you know they are graduating from High School and leaving for college.

WOW! What happened to the time? I remember driving in Wasco one day and it hit me that I was going to have a child in high school! Where did the time go? Now this year, my children will be 28, 25, 23 and 20! YIKES!

Paul addresses both the motivation and the attitude of an available dad.

• The attitude – “we were well-pleased (willing) to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives,
• The motivation – because you had become very dear to us.”

Are your families dear to you? BE ACCESSIBLE, BE AVAILABLE

A Good Dad is Assiduous (hard-working) - v.9 (sorry, I like to alliterate...it's a curse).

"For you recall, brethren, our labor and hardship, how working night and day so as not to be a burden to any of you, we proclaimed to you the gospel of God."

The Apostle Paul was committed to endure toil and hardship on behalf of the Thessalonians. He knew what his responsibility was toward them and he was willing and able to bear the burden of that responsibility. He did not selfishly seek his own desires and needs over and above the needs of his spiritual children. They came first – he had to sacrifice – such is the life of a good dad!

It is hard work to be a leader in your home, it is not always easy to bear the burden of supporting your family. Yet we must not shirk our responsibilities. Be a man, even better yet, be the man!

We need unselfish diligence, because unselfish diligence is essential for.. 

• a strong home
• a satisfying marriage
• spiritually well-balanced children
• a stable community and society

Fathers are the key to a healthy and prosperous nation. Our children need to see our hard work and sacrifice – they need to know how much we care for them!

A Good Dad is Authentic - v.10

"You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers"

Paul was authentic and genuine with his children, his walk matched his talk.

“Your walk talks and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks!”

In reputation (how you are viewed by others) and in character (how you are alone) Paul was real. He called on the Thessalonians to testify to his reputation – “You are witnesses” -  And he called on God to testify to his character – “and so is God.”

Authenticity is especially important when it comes to spiritual matters. Our children need fathers who exhibit a real faith in every aspect of their lives. If we simply give lip service to God our children will know it.

I can tell you that NO ONE knows what I am really like better than my children (and ex-wife).

How do we develop a good reputation? How do we develop real character? Paul uses three adverbs to describe what authenticity looks like.

Devoutly – it speaks of carefully fulfilling the duties given to us by God. It contains the ideas of faithfulness and obedience. This especially applies to our roles as fathers, husbands, employees, employers, servants and ministers.

Uprightly – It speaks of public and private righteousness, uprightness in character - Integrity.

You act the same no matter where you are and you treat people the same no matter who they are.

Blamelessly – It speaks not of perfection but of a life where we cannot be falsely accused. Unblameable. Nothing in our life that sticks out so that people can maliciously grab hold of it and accuse us of being insincere, unauthentic.

Positively then, are there things in our lives as Dads that our children can grab a hold of because of our authentic behavior?

So, a good dad is affectionate, accessible, hard working, authentic and finally...

A Good Dad is Affirming - v.11-12

^"11 just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children, ¹² so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory"

A survey was done several years ago that discovered that for every positive statement made in the average home, ten negative statements were made. And let’s face it, sometimes it is hard to be positive when you have teenagers in the home. Try having three at once! And then throw in a too-big-for-her-britches baby of the family and your suddenly swimming in a sea of negativity.

But seriously, children need to hear “that’s great” and “you can do it” as much as they hear “stop that” or “that’s not a good idea.”

We need to be our children’s biggest cheerleaders without indulging them. I know that is not easy – but it can be done. We should be honest about our children – they are not perfect, just ask their teachers. Somehow we need to find a balance. For as many overindulgent parents as there are, there are an equal amount of overly negative parents as well.

Look at how Paul affirms his children in the faith.

First, He Exhorted Them:

 The Greek word for “exhorting” is parakaleo, it means to call alongside. It does not have a negative connotation like scold – but a positive one, like encourage or comfort. As believers, the Holy Spirit is our Paraklete. Children are easily discourage and they need us to come alongside of them to comfort and encourage them.

Whenever I read this passage I always think of an episode from Happy Days (one of my favorite shows growing up). I'll always remember the episode where Richie misses a free-throw in the playoff basketball game. The way Mr. C talked to Richie after the game is an example of coming alongside. Start watching the video at about the 6 minute mark and make sure you watch all the way to the end. If you remember commercials from the 70's you'll get a good laugh.

Secondly, He Encouraged Them:

The Greek word for “encouraging” is paramutheomai, it means to console or to soothe. This word is similar to the word exhort but it carries the added emphasis of action and activity. When our children are learning to ride their bikes and they fall, what do we do? We console them, blow on their scraped knee, put a band-aid on it, then we help them back up and encourage them to try again. All of those things are incorporated in this word.

Thirdly, He Implored Them:

The Greek word used here for “imploring” is martureo, it means to charge, to urge, or to testify. It carries with it the idea of giving personal witness. Sharing our own experiences and how we overcame them and succeeded.

These are the “two miles in the snow, uphill” stories – the “back when I was a kid” anecdotes.

They may act like they don’t want to hear it – but it is an important part of childhood training.

Notice also that Paul’s affirmation was…. 

• Personal – “each one of you”
• Paternal – “as a father would his own children”
• Purposeful – “so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory”

As affirming dads….

• We must come alongside our children to encourage them.
• We must be there to help them get back up when they stumble or fall.
• We must share with them from our own experiences how we have met life’s problems and difficulties and how we succeeded.

One father practically summed it up by saying: “My family is all grown up, the kids are all gone, but if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do.

• I would love my wife more in front of my children

• I would laugh with my children more – at my mistakes and joys

• I would listen more – even to the youngest child

• I would be more honest about my own weaknesses and stop pretending perfection.

• I would pray differently for my family: instead of focusing on them I would focus more on me.

• I would do more things with my children.

• I would do more encouraging and bestow more praise.

• I would pay more attention to little things, deeds and words of love and kindness.

Finally, he says, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family. I would use every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day to point them to God.

Dad’s how do you measure up?

•           Are you affectionate with your family

•           Are you accessible?

•           Are you diligent and hard working with their welfare in mind?

•           Are you authentic in your life and walk with the Lord?

•           Are you affirming them through words of comfort, consolation and personal testimony

**This is a reworking of one of my Fathers Day sermons. I always like to give credit to the sources I used in my preparation unfortunately, I don't have all of my notes anymore, but I did try to give credit where credit was due.